Feeling like a mom

This seems like an odd title seeing as my son is going on to 5 years in a few short months, but it really is what was, still is going through my head. Really, I feel like a mom. Why, you ask? I’d say that Postpartum Depression (PPD) stole some of my life’s most precious moments with my son. For the longest time, I detested the whole motherhood experience, disliked the fact that I had a little human being looking up to me, and just didn’t feel normal, where ‘normal’ is what new moms are expected to feel…

Then, I wondered how to make the most of those lonely nights, up in the wee hours of the morning, sobbing into my pillow because I did not know what to do…

Now, I embrace the moments, whether they mean nursing after a toddler with flu, or getting wet sloppy morning kisses before dropping in at school.

Then, I asked myself if the dark fog hanging above my head would ever clear, and if it would, whether I would ever get those moments back again, if ever…

Now, I know I will never get those moments back again, the missed memories (which often feel like a few pixels snipped off a photo unexpectedly), the milestones I seemed to have glided right through unconsciously. But, this one thing I know: now is all I have, and I am going to make now count. I will make new memories, I am making the moments count.

Then, I never understood how someone could possibly embrace motherhood so well, blinded by depression and all the self-intrusive thoughts, I smiled for photos, but I was hollow inside.

Now, I know too well that imperfection is part of motherhood. I understand that what you see is not always what you get for moms; they could well be struggling with it all (This is why I make sure to check up on all my friends who are new moms)

Then, I couldn’t have imagined why I had to go through depression, and especially feeling alone, why it had to be at a time when my career was taking an upward trajectory, and whether I was even ready…

Now, I want to make my voice heard, to speak for moms with PPD, some of who may never understand the different motions they may be going through. Now, I see purpose in it, I see beauty for ashes.


My favorite humans 🙂 <3

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